Mistakes We All Make...

I did something really bad yesterday, and I've been regretting it...

To put it short, I talked to my former "slave" on the phone, and I made him think that we might possibly end up meeting again.

It's a long story, but here goes. A few years ago, when I had just turned 19 years old, I started talking to a guy online who lived in my area and seemed sane. He was attractive, ten years older than me, had a nice body, and we talked about meeting. He mentioned that he owned a pair of leather pants, and liked leather...this ended up being an understatement. He brought me to his house and when I went into his room, he had a vast array of gear laid out - cuffs, gags, collars, rope. He told me he wanted me to "dom" him, and told me to put the collar on him, cuff his wrists, gag him, and started calling me "Sir." This was my first introduction to BDSM.

We hung out a few times and he began flaking out. I didn't have a car, so he would tell me he was on his way to pick me up, and then disappear. The odd thing was that the more he began to flake out, the more submissive he would get with me online and on the phone. He started telling me that he wanted to be my slave, and to be owned by me. One time he offered to give me his house. Another time, he "gave me permission" to make any changes in his life as long as I didn't make him quit his job...At the same time, he would never show up. The situation got worse because of how angry this would make me. I remember waiting for him and thinking to myself, When I get this boy tied and gagged, I'm gonna break his limits. I don't care that he doesn't wanna get fucked, I'm gonna get back at him.

I realized that this was all unhealthy, and I made the decision to not see him again, or even attempt to. I didn't wanna be that kind of a person, but I felt that he was driving me to it, he got me so angry with him. It infuriated me more to think that he was pretty much an adult, with a very well paying job, a nice house, and I was just a kid, so how dare he fuck around with me like that. He IMed me for two years after that, begging to meet again, and I always said no, and that he was a flake, and that I didn't trust him, and that that kind of relationship in particular needed to be based on trust, so it was over.

Then for some reason, I let him call me, and I told him that I'd think about hanging out with him again. It was a fucking stupid of me to say that, I guess I was just horny. But now I'm in a situation where I know he's going to try to accuse me of being a flake and calling me all the shit I called him if I don't meet with him.

That's the thing about all relationships - there's a power struggle, no matter what. That's why I never completely "got" BDSM, because no matter what roles you define yourself as, there's always a dom and a sub. In this situation, I guess we're still fighting to figure out who really is which role. I think that for the good of both of us, I need to just forget about him. I don't wanna be the type of person who gets angry enough to break the rules.